So I've Realized...

...That if I spend too long on something one time, I feel that I have to spend as much time the next time I do the same thing. I wrote way too much the past blogs, so now I think I have to write way too much on each additional blog! I wish I could just write a few sentences here and there, but I always feel like I have to explain things and it gets way to complicated...Ergo, I haven't posted in quite a few months! I've also been very busy though so that might explain it....with applying to colleges and everything. Now that I'm done with that I have some free time again! (Not that I still don't have a ton of school work to do.)
The thing I hate about school taking up so much of my life is that I feel that's all I have time for! Sure, I can do an extracurricular activity here and there, but school is THE focus of my life, and I don't like that. My day revolves around classes and homework, and then I'm too tired to do anything else! When I'm so tired out from school it really does feel like I'm not even alive and it sucks. If I ever had a real problem at home, or get sick, I would never be able to keep up with school. I don't even have time to have a relationship! I'm just lucky that my best friend understands that I don't have much extra time to do stuff, but it would be really hard keeping a boyfriend. The last time, I felt like all my time on the weekends was at his house, and I never had any time to myself. If I had a boyfriend now, I wouldn't have enough time to get to have an actual relationship with him. Sometimes I just wish I wouldn't have to go to college right away next year so I could spend some time NOT focused on school...I do really want to have a real life, and I'm hoping that when I have only a couple of classes a day, I can spend more time on myself and on making some real relationships!

Picturing Pictures

Probably anyone who has spent more than five minutes with me will notice that I like to take pictures- a lot of them. I probably have 2000 on facebook, and even more on my camera and computer that I haven't posted. Photography to me is an art form, and I love capturing moments and memories to be looked at and remembered later. It's a way I make a footprint in the world, for people to enjoy and notice. Pictures can go farther out in the world than I can, and I like to think where they might be going. People might also have noticed that there are quite a few pictures that I take of myself! It's not vanity, but like I said before, and art form, and I'm usually the only model I have for myself. It's also capturing little moments and expressions for later. My Dad was really into photography- I probably got some of those genes from him, but I also have another theory why photography interests me so much. As most younger children might have noticed, there are a lot more pictures of there older siblings than them. So, as the youngest child in my family, I think that I've made it my mission to take as many pictures as possible, so that there are plenty of everyone (including myself!). I want to do something with all these pictures I have, whether giving them to friends and family, or making them into something everyone can enjoy. I still don't know how I'm going to do this, so for now I'll just settle on filling up my memory cards- again and again and again.

My Take on Procrastination

For those few, perfect people out there that do not procrastinate, or even for some that do, I think that procrastination is very misunderstood. I think that many people believe that procrastinators are just lazy, that they want to do other things that are more fun. In my opinion, it's a lot more than that. As a self-proclaimed procrastinator, procrastination for me turns out to be some kind of sub-conscious self-sabotage. And it really, really sucks. Actually, if you have ever heard the song from the "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" (at least I think that's where it's from) about the book report, and the procrastinator putting it off because he thinks that he would do a better job if he did it later, when he isn't so tired- it's actually pretty accurate. For me it is not as black-and-white as being tired or not, because god knows during the school year there is hardly a single moment when I'm not exhausted. It's more of, I know that I have a lot of potential. And I know that if I put in the effort, the time I could spend on a single homework assignment is unlimited. But besides the fact that I really really really don't want to spend hours and hours working on one thing, if I did do that, I could do something really good. The project or whatever could even be amazing, but I'm afraid of working like that. Making something great that I would have to live up to, and the truth that if I did all that, I would literally have no life that school and homework. And when I think about starting on a project, really my sub-conscious is telling me that if I didn't start then, if I worked on it another time, I could make it better than if I had started it then. Make sense? I'm actually thinking that if I start, I won't do as good a job on it then if I started it at another time. There, that's a little clearer. And by delaying the time til I start, I'm literally forcing myself to have a time limit so I don't spend hours on it. Inevitably, this decreases the quality of work and makes me feel like I don't live up to my potential. So either way, I'm screwed. Which is a huge part of why, even though I like learning, I absolutely and completely loathe school.

Some Big Changes Coming Up

Sooo....Recently I got back from some college visiting! Aren't those fun (A little sarcasm here). This was my Midwest tour, including Earlham, University of Chicago, and Grinnell. All good schools, but I'm looking for someplace that really fits me, and that's hard to know when sometimes I don't even know myself. Will I still be the way I am now? Or will I change when I get to live by myself? In college I could create a whole new identity, because no one will ever know what or who I was before. At Earlham I could live a very quiet life (which is sort of how I live now), but at Chicago I could go out and have a pretty exciting time. Will I want to change? And these are just three! There is also Clark, Geneseo, Oberlin, Goucher, Green Mountain, Purchase, Georgetown...on and on and on. It will be such a change I may not want to change any more. I want to have a real college experience, socially and academically, but when all the classes are demanding, how can I have the social experience too? There are too many variables to even consider...here when I still have to survive senior year! (All that stuff about how senior year is so easy? I'm guessing-at least for me- that's pretty much screwed already.) So if anyone has any insights, I'm completely open to them!

Still Interested?

A new book by one of my favorite authors comes out today: Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer. I used to be so in love with the Twilight Series, but I don't know if I'm growing out of it, or the later books haven't been as good. You know how one book is so amazing you both desperately want more yet are afraid that the others won't be as good so it tars your whole memory? That's kind of how I feel. The Harry Potter series was great because they just got better and better, but Twilight, the first book, I really think is Meyer's best. It's kind of gone downhill from there. They're still really good books, but something's gone out of them- the excitement or the danger or something. Edward was amazing in Twilight because he was so dark and mysterious, but he's not like that anymore. Bella and Edward seem too normal together, and I don't like normal! There should be tension, but there's not. And something I've noticed, the parts that are supposed to be scary in the later books, I don't feel anything at all, and it sucks. But another thing is, I don't know if my knowledge about the author is coloring my opinion. She's religious, and though she doesn't explicitly write about religion, it's definitely there in her books. And I'm really not religious at all, so it kind of turns me off. The choices Edward makes, especially, even though he's a vampire, are based on religion and heaven/hell. I don't like my vampires religous, sorry! It just doesn't see right. Don't get me wrong, Meyer is a great person, but sometimes Edward is too moral. Mostly I just want the characters to seem like they are the same people they were in the first book, and they don't even resemble having the feelings they once had. So, I'll still be excited, but I might reminisce more than actually enjoy the last installment.

On a slightly different note, there's a Midnight Release Party. People keep comparing Twilight to Harry Potter, and now they're doing the same kind of publicity. But it might be a complete failure. I know there are some obsessed Twilight fans out there, but they don't have the mass of Harry Potter fans. I do want to get the book tonight, but I don't want to be the only person there! And if there are others they might be like 12 or 13 years old, and that might be worse. I also don't want to be the OLDEST person there. Sooo, I could bring some friends, but I think that they have been losing interest over the years as well. So I don't know what to do. But if you're a fan, I want you! (To go to your local Border's/Barnes&Nobles tonight so I won't be all alone!)

The Beginning

So I know that there must be thousands of these blogs, probably most of them made by bored teengaers. Which is fine, I just add to their numbers. And maybe, there is someone out there who is actually interested in mine. A long shot I know, but don't most people like some fulfillment or meaning in their lives? Most likely not going to be found on a blog, but as my friends know, I looove to talk about my ideas/opinions and this could be an outlet for them. Actually, knowing that the audience is small (or even nonexistent) makes it easier to talk. Rambling to myself is always an option too... ;)